Evolutions Of Us
Written on Tuesday February 27th, 2024 at 11:30pm
Unfiltered thoughts while listening to Ghost Of You by 5SOS
We live life as different versions of ourselves, assuming we’re proactive about learning and growth.
We don’t navigate the world, the world navigates us until we develop and mature.
As an adult, we have the ability to be proactive about self-discovery, learning and development of ourselves in regards to the world and the humans residing on this planet.
My journey of understanding sexuality. The incessant attempt to “find the label”, locking it in forever as if growth and new understanding weren’t welcome, or feared.
The version of me before I came out as a trans man in December 2019 was trapped. I was living, however, with the truth buried deep down under shame, denial and unbeknownst identities. It was like an alternate reality within reality itself as it wasn’t truly me, but who I was told I was.
The old me endured the pain of toxic relationships to break the naive frame of mind held, and built a new one above the knowledge and wisdom obtained.
I was going to experience unhealthy relationships at one point or another - it would be inevitable given who I was at the time. It’s better earlier than later.
Fixed mindset opening to a growth mindset, being more open to the uncertainties and inflexible nature of life, and myself.
To not be too strict with myself in how I feel, think and express myself. To sit with feelings and hold space for thoughts (whether “good or bad”) with no judgement.
To be okay with not being okay without rapid attempts to logically explain things, or justify why a certain experience is happening inside my mind or body.
Life isn’t always logical or sensical, especially human minds. I don’t need to fully understand something to acknowledge its existence and allow space for it to exist, then pass once its course ends.
The same person - Lev - experienced all of this as different versions of himself, the past ones which are resting but not forgotten.
I experienced all of these versions within the same physical body my mind was born with almost 27 years ago.
The same pairs of eyes view the world, with (metaphorically) updated lens to fit sense of self, identity, mental state and approach to the game of life.
I have the same brain I did, just updated and re-wired.
All of these previous version of me reside inside me, all of whom served purposes in allowing the present version of me to exist.