Thoughts On Relationships

Written on Monday February 26th, 2024 at 10pm

Some unfiltered thoughts about where I’m at with dating and relationships.

I have this desire to re-enter the dating game, but a feeling in my gut to not rush into things.

I still carry trauma in my nervous system from the last, although, less intensely compared to that year.

My saviour complex and former fantasy bonds wreak havoc on the meaning of healthy dating. 

I feel confused, as if I can’t fully trust my own judgment and inner voice as it requires recalibration after a healthy reset.

I’m confused about why thoughts about being in a relationship continue plaguing my mind, as if it’s some priority goal I must obtain.

It’s like I have a fantasy about relationships, what it looks like and how I will feel.

It’s convoluted because I am yet to experience healthy love and a relationship not founded on trauma or constant second-guessing, leading to loss of self.

Admittedly, I crave intimacy - the gentle, grounding touch of another, and the warmth of a human embrace while we exist in one another’s realms, connected.

It may also be because I have too much time and energy, and insufficient outlets for this output.

This is coupled with a lack of strong structure and routine, and a sense of work purpose.

Would I still desire a relationship after obtaining a stable full-time job?

Would I still want it badly after experiencing the world and living more?

Do I truly wish to enter a relationship and commit to it, or am I seeking an outlet for excess energy, time and desire to develop something long-term?

I guess only time will tell.

Intermission

As for what being in a relationship would mean to me. 

• A best friend and life companion to share the fluctuating highs and lows of life with.

• Someone I’d want to be stuck with even in the most direst of situations.

• Evolving the relationship as we individually evolve.

• Bringing out the best of each other.

• Unmasked and authentic selves - bringing everything to the table.

• Sharing a life while having independent lives, and ensuring balanced room for both.

• Fighting the problem or disagreement topic, not each other.

• Allowing room for mistakes and learning opportunities.

• Leveraging conflicts to strengthen relationships through resolutions using mutual understanding and teamwork.

• Healing through healthy relationships.

• Re-learning what a healthy relationship looks and feels like.

My brain is currently a convoluted mess of thoughts, feelings and physical sensations in regards to relationships. 

It’s only through therapeutic dissection and having him as my sounding board that greater clarity emerges, and decluttering of unhelpful and unrealistic ideals begins. 

Only then will I see dating from a more objective standpoint, free from the uncertainty of what is healthy, and what is a trauma response.