Living Under Time Pressure - Thoughts
Written on Tuesday February 27th, 2024 at 6:40pm
Unfiltered thoughts about how I live my life.
I often live as if I’m under time pressure, or some unforeseeable deadline.
What I mean by this is that when taking on a new endeavour (e.g., learning musical instruments), I have this urge to practice to perfect more than one, simultaneously.
In my head, it’s as if choosing one to focus on to build nuanced skills and capabilities is “insufficient”.
That I need to be a jack-of-all-trades.
Mind you, music isn’t even my career, but an important hobby used as an outlet for expression, and to regulate my nervous system.
It’s not that I don’t enjoy learning guitar and keys outside of drums.
It’s that, it’s a lot to keep up with, and it begins to feel like a chore I resent rather than a fulfilling down time activity.
Music is only one example, as I exhibited the same patterns being a workaholic in a professional work context.
As if incomplete tasks for the day equates to being unworthy of the job, despite the realities of the work.
Intermission
Perhaps it’s the subconscious thought of not knowing when my life will pass, and wishing to maximise what I do.
However, is this really living, or am I existing to maximise output like a machine?
Perhaps I’m masking, or using constant engagement in activities as an escape from the undiscovered parts of me?
Why do I put so much pressure on myself?
Part of the story is the way I was raised - to focus on academics and high achievement at the expense of health and other life domains.
Fuelled by my perfectionism, it’s work in progress to be a free bird, experiencing life openly with mistakes, flaws and celebrations.
Perhaps I don’t know who I am without my “productive output”, or how to embrace life without being a workaholic.
Perhaps I’m afraid of change and what that looks like, and the entailed consequences.
Finding middle ground has been a repeated challenge for me as I often go from 0-100, or 100-0, with no in-between.
I either do everything under the moon when hyperactive, or lack the will to do anything when burnt out or in a rut.
Most of my consistent hobbies, such as music production, playing drums and digital content creation involve some sort of “productive output”.
I’m continuing to learn how to genuinely let loose with zero pressure or thought to ‘accomplish anything productive’.
Just having fun for the sake of it.
To smile, laugh, be spontaneous, create random memories and feel a little lighter in life. That’s what I need more of.
Refreshing fulfilment and joy, like the crisp, fresh air of the night after a scorching day.
To just feel without thinking, and let my nerves let go of held stress, even temporarily.