Individual Evolution Through A Relationship Breakup
Note: I’m writing this piece as the 2024 version of me, telling the story of the 2022 version of me.
Lev met his ex through an escape room meet-up, but ironically, couldn’t escape them…until they terminated the relationship.
Prior to this, he (Lev) had not been in a serious relationship before, and had no rulebook or lived experience to go off as a baseline. He poured his heart and soul into what turned out to be an infatuation, not love, off of unknowingly being a rebound target.
During the honeymoon phase, Lev felt the classic nerves, excitement, passion and nervous system activation that were believed to be signs of romance and love. Little did he realise that being fight-or-flight mode constantly was not a sign of love, but threat and drowning in red flags.
Once the initial period of high faded, the relationship was mostly dull. It felt repetitive and threatening to the gut. Also, Lev walked on some damn strong eggshells as he did this on the daily.
Growth in the relationship was non-existent as his ex was adverse to difficult conversations, or conversations aimed to address relationship concerns. Stonewalling and gaslighting were their friends.
Staying in the relationship occurred for a couple of reasons, despite swimming in red flags and incompatibility.
Lev was in love with the idea of who his ex could become, an idealsed version, not the present version before him.
Hoping to witness and foster positive growth and change in his ex.
Feeling an obligation to not abandon ex, and to somehow “rescue” them from life predicaments.
Concern of possible breakup repercussions, knowing the ex.
Lev was dragging dead weight for the distraction of fun and games for the ex (unknowingly)…until reality blew up in their face, and they burnt the bridge.
Intermission if needed.
Lev had lost himself in the relationship, including individuality, purpose and balance. It was all-consuming; being in a one-sided relationship where he was the puppet being played was destructive on all fronts.
However, in the midst of the poison, and despite ignoring his gut feeling for months, resentment, anger and discontentment brew. This turned out to be part of the antidote to healing.
After the breakup occurred, Lev released all pent up emotions and thoughts that had been repressed for seven months, with anger being the most powerful emotion. The rage writing, venting to friends and his therapist and bashing the heavy bag (imagining it was his ex) were cathartic. Anger does not need to be the enemy; it can be leveraged as an ally.
While anger, sadness and confusion, coupled with “What the f” were the initial experiences, this later became “this is truly a blessing because otherwise, I’d be in that relationship for a lot longer”. It turns out, the ex did something Lev found difficult to do, despite wanting a way out - initiating the break up.
As the grips of the past relationship had less power, Lev extracted invaluable lessons, insights and experiences, now having a solid foundation for future dating.
The death of the old version of Lev serves as the foundation for the rising of a new Phoenix. The relationship died, but Lev was reborn from the destruction in his past. He burned in the fire, then became the fire.