ASD/Autism Unmasking Process
STAGE I: REBUILDING SELF
I began psychological therapy with a new psychologist in June 2023 to target ASD/autism specific challenges after being diagnosed earlier that year. While I have been to therapy since the age of sixteen, there was one concern not targeted directly - low self-esteem, and unlearning people-pleasing tendencies.
As I understand more about masking as an autistic person, this largely explains people-pleasing and self-neglect in the social world. I’ve been conditioned to hide and dismiss my needs, to put on a facade that mimics “what everyone else is doing” in an attempt to connect and belong.
Connection, belonging and community are core human needs, and without masking, rejection and exclusion are likely consequences. This train of thought will continue in stage two.
For the first six months, self-worth being rooted in satisfactorily serving others, social approval, self-neglect, lack of self-respect and achievements were demolished. Deep in my subconscious mind, these were no longer criteria to be met to be deserving of self-worth.
Simultaneously, knowledge about communicating needs, boundary setting and co-existing with difficult emotions started accumulating. I stared demons in the eye, and despite the unease and discomfort, I stayed there until I had the power, not them.
Despite not believing having worth as a person if certain standards were not met, or believing that self-confidence meant being conceited, these perspectives shifted as I evolved with time.
There will always be a conflict when challenging long held ideals, and a mountain must be overcome to gain accelerated momentum.
A solid foundation has been rebuilt in my mind, and part two begins.
STAGE II: RE-ENTERING THE WORLD
This month, I experienced several meltdowns as I hit the last straws. These events were rooted in prolonged self-neglect, manifesting in anger and resentment. It was a sign that what was once tolerable for social acceptance has crossed boundaries, and confronting change must take place.
Post-meltdowns, I directly communicated how masking has negatively been impacting me, and firm boundaries moving forward with involved parties. In my cases, involved people received my messages well, with understanding, which has strengthened these connections.
I have started living unmasked and it feels liberating. This is likened to a bird trapped in a cage too small for it to spread its wings, let alone fly, and breaking out of the cage in rebellion after years of hell.
The shame and fear that typically accompanies behaviors against people-pleasing is dissipating as I evolve to be okay with rejection, and accept that not everyone is going to like me.
This is backed by the foundation discussed in stage one - building my own perceptions of self-worth and value, and knowing that I champion myself, even if others may not. Perception of myself will be stable and not degrading.
Think about this: If my self-worth is not based on social acceptance or rejection, I can’t crumble if it’s the latter as it’s not my foundation.
Additionally, unmasking will allow me to welcome people who accept and respect unfiltered me, and reject those who bring poisonous perceptions into my realm.
I no longer exist to please others for a sense of belonging or connectedness, or to be told no. That chapter is coming to an end, and a new Phoenix is born.